The Hedgehog Theory - Day 3

Lazing in the comfiest chair on the ship, savouring vintage scotch and watching the stars go by. The only reasons I hadn't packed it all in years ago.
That and the fact that if I did I might be missing something.
"Ki?"
"Yes?"
"When are we switching on the drive?"
"In about three seconds"
"What the...Why didn't you ...."

Then everything went weird and I began decomposing. I became 'convinced' and I regenerated sitting in a pool of my lunch.

The Psyche Drive, the most disturbing way to travel between the stars in days rather than decades. Thankfully it was abandoned when we reached the neighbouring galaxy and the race there gave us the hyperdrive as they said we were giving them a headache. They moan about it from time to time which means there's still a ship out there with the old style drive. I like to think that it’s Ki; that the old buckets still going.

Anyway I picked myself up from out of my lunch and asked
"How long?"
"Two minutes"

In that time I got as far away from the drive as I could. This body had been grown, I didn't fancy the idea of it disappearing on me. I counted down, it felt like I flickered and then reappeared.

"Next time I'd like a little more warning"
"Why, you only get edgy"
"Bullshit, you just like getting me mad"
"Well" drawn out and kind of sheepish.

I poured myself out another drink and looked at the new configurations.

The Hedgehog Theory - Day 2, part 2

The problem with a missile that's fired in space is that its nothing like one fired on a planet with atmosphere. There are no shock-waves, so a near miss is the same as a wild miss; even a petatonne weapon detonating a few hundred feet away from the hull wont do any damage and any radiation will be easily soaked up by even the cheapest shielding. There’s also the added complication that any shrapnel will travel with no loss of speed until it hits something. Many a ship has been destroyed by the fallout from one of its own missiles.

Ki's idea had been to surround a nuclear warhead with smaller ones. On firing the initial explosion, unless it had struck something, would fire out the other charges; forming a large spread pattern. These could either float like mines until they impacted with a body, or they could in turn be surrounded by smaller charges which would be fired out by the detonation of their parent. At any stage an impact would detonate all the remaining charges. They were designed to convert the maximum amount of matter into destructive energy and so prevent the second problem.

Ki had developed a six stage missile. If they were fired from various sides of the ship it would be surrounded by an impenetrable shield that would spread out destroying everything in its path.

Ki displayed the bill for the 20 it had built before the money had run out; then waited for the screaming.

I glanced at it and said "Fine"
"What?"
"I said 'Fine'"
"Fine Fine Fine" it mimicked
"Are your vocals jammed?" I asked pleasantly.
"Look at the amount, it was all the cash you had!"
"Not any more Ki my old pal" I was enjoying this, Ki had deliberately spent all my money just to piss me off, but then I guess I had been gone for two years without telling it.
"Are you OK Jake?"
"Fine"
"Fine!" it whined in a high pitched voice.
"After my slight accident I got confused with someone else"
"So?" sneery
"Samuel Welks; heard of him?"
"The owner of Gratackan?"
"Yep that's me"
"What!? You must have, oh my Hent, Jake you must be a billionaire"
"More in the trillions I think"

There was silence, you could almost hear Ki thinking
"Ki?"
"Yes Jake?"
"No"
"Just five mill, I've seen this great ..."
"No, its all in accounts you'll never have access to"
"Jake"
"Don't worry, you'll get an allowance"
"Wow"
"OK you wont then"
"Jake"
I lay back and closed my eyes, the block slipping from my fingers.
"Ai two three nine bee why tee ar double seven five - the bank of Munty Cylo"
"What?"
"An account I set up for you - bit of spending money"
"Thanks Jake, you don't realise..."
"Shut up"
Silence.

Thank Hent.

The Hedgehog Theory - Day 2

Back on New Happy, two suns in the sky; one the planets own, and the other a large fat one that looked intent on making iron and contemplating the joys of going nova. I decided to just get my ship and leave, there was nothing I wanted to stay here for, didn’t want the temptation.
My good mood was rapidly diminishing by the amount of arguing needed to get to where my ship was docked. Looking completely different is a distinct disadvantage when security is the memory of a guard-caretaker. It was costing me a fortune to remind them.
Finally I got to my berth, mentally noting the cost of getting there and tagging it to Harry's bill. Old habits die hard.
I paused before my ship, surprised at the level of feeling that was welling up inside, pretty sad as it was just a ship, but we had had some good times together and I had sunk most of my money into it, mainly to ensure I kept having good times. The Kia-ta-Sor, half a kilometre of black diamond hull, capable of punching a hole in a planet, smooth sleek lines only disrupted by the bulge in the midsection where the interstellar psyche drive was housed, snub nosed and planet capable. One of the most sophisticated star cruisers in the galaxy - at least the parts where man (homo rebuildicus) had been.
My ship - the most important thing in my life.
OK, so I had abandoned it for a couple of years.
I stood before the airlock, waiting for it to open. Then began to pound on it.
A small beam weapon hissed out pointed straight at my head. I looked at it and it 'looked' at me.
Nice and easy I reached for the panel under it, popped it open and punched in the key code. The weapon retracted and the door opened. I stepped inside.
As the outer lock door shut I was scanned, and a voice said
"See you got a new body Jake - got shot up again?"
"Something like that"
"You should have a signaller implanted in your brain"
"Unnnnrgh"
"Where we going then?"
"Snecko"
"Snecko?"
"Yeah it’s a planet"
"Job?"
"Uh-huh - 8 mill"
"8 million! It must be some job!"
"Let’s say its close to Harry's heart"
"Give me the co-ordinates and we'll set off"
"Where's my case?"
"In your room"
I walked along the corridor to my bedroom and opened the door.
"Great way of putting things away" I said as I shuffled through the baggage to pick up my case. The code entered, I flicked it open and pulled out a block then settled back on the bed.
At the top of the first page was a set of co-ordinates, recently unscrambled after a call from Harry.
"Planet no 92VTS6million and ninety four - grid 96582 co-ords 5961x1782y390z"
"What's it like?"
"Oxygen-water, about 0.8G, 14 hour rotation. No poisonous gases in the atmosphere"
"What's so good about it then?"
"There's a resident there that manufactures an enzyme thought to be totally destructive to HG2385"
"Huh" then " Why not a full scale mission?"
"Not a big enough problem"
"But still 8 million, Harry could've got someone cheaper"
"He's probably tried, but there are complications."
"Such as?"
"Well the creature is remarkably like a diplodocus"
"Except that's its bigger and a carnivore?"
"Yep - you got it"
"Well your toy should take care of that"
I glanced down at the cannon which was bundled amongst the luggage.
"The protein breaks down 30 seconds after death, so we have to get a live one"
"So - it must have been done before"
"To synthesise it we need at least ten of them"
"We need to round up ten living meat-eating building sized creatures?"
"That's not all"
"It wouldn't be would it?"
"There's a war between two neighbouring systems that's been going on for five years now. It looks like you're going to get shot at Ki"
"Oh super!"
Super! Ki had a way with words and a poor sense of humour.
"Anyway - I've been working on a new type of missile"
Quick recovery!
"Oh yes, what type?" I asked
"Nuclear"
"Hmmph" I wasn't impressed.
"No listen" and it began to explain.

The Hedgehog Theory - Day 1

The doctor reminded me that his name was Jivers, I had no idea if he was a personal friend of Welks or merely an employee. Whatever, it didn’t really matter, Jivers probably knew I wasn’t Welks but it was in his interest to have someone called Welks alive rather than to have to work his way back up. Good old inheritance laws, I was now Samuel Welks, multi billionaire owner of Gratackan, squeaky voice and big fat body. The last would go, though I’d had to be careful how I went about it. Jivers was able to fill me in on the details the shock of the explosion had erased from my mind, he was a loyal and trustworthy employee and soon found himself promoted rapidly up the ladder. Which was probably the reason he had taken the time to rebuild me rather than leaving my brain unit ticking in a pauper store. The luxury of owning a bodyshop chain allowed me to make significant modifications and I soon got myself in to a more agreeable form, oh OK less fat and squeaky. This all took time, a couple of standard years and I made sure I enjoyed myself to the full whilst doing it. I’d let Harry know that there would be some delay and that he was welcome to use someone else. But of course he came back to me in the end.
Hang on a minute, you’re a multibillionaire, richer than you’d ever dreamed, able to have anything your heart desired, how come you’re going to do some dangerous job for a tin pot fee? Well I had been rich before (admittedly not this rich) and rich doesn’t always cut it. The reason that I got into venturing in the first place was for the thrill as much as the money and now I definitely needed that thrill again.

Terminal Velocity - Day 5

I woke up with a slight headache; a strange thing, in a strange room.
In front of me was a strange man. I was lying in a strange bed.
"Mr Welks" the man said and leaned forward to look into my eyes. "Are you all right?"
"What?" I replied in a high pitched voice.
What the bob? Something odd was going on here, the last thing I could remember was a blinding white light and the peculiar sensation of feeling my body being ripped apart. Now I found myself in a strange room (I believe I mentioned that), being addressed by the name of my attempted assassin and speaking in a squeaky voice. I also had a headache, something which I hadn’t experienced in a very long time and, unusually, I felt incredibly heavy.
I eased myself up and looked down at my fat body, then back into the questioning face of the man; most notably at his white coat with the company logo above the pocket.
Gratackan.
Mr Welks?
I tried to think of something witty or amusing to say, but I couldn't so I settled for
"Eh?"
"Mr Welks, we found you in the wreckage - or rather we found a burnt corpse. The brain was preserved inside a Gratackan survival unit, it was badly charred with the ID unrecognisable, we had to assume it was you."
"Any others?" What I wanted to know was whether Welks was dead was he being revived also?
"One of the others also had their brain in a unit. It had been destroyed in the explosion. No doubt an inferior model."
"Mmmph" I almost smiled at that. I'd had my unit encased in Raddlers shielding, which must have burnt off and that Raddlers was tough stuff. That must have been some bomb!
"How's the shop?"
"A two mile crater now exists where it has been"
Shit! When Welks set out to blow someone up he certainly gave it his best shot.

Terminal Velocity - Day 3, part 2

11:30am, outside a Gratackan bodyshop. My trip through the streets had been peaceful, whoever had tried to kill me in the hotel room hadn’t paid for another hit. Id searched my memory, real and assisted, for likely candidates, but the list was too long and I soon gave up. Not to worry, I would find out sooner or later. I was also a little annoyed about the price they’d been paid, 10K! On this planet that was positively insulting.
The door chimed welcoming me as I walked into a vestibule. Inside I was confronted with a box and an ugly looking muzzle protruding from a wall level with my neck. Perhaps I should get it armoured, there’s not much your head can do without a body attached. I dropped my wrist knife and a few other weapons into the box. The muzzle withdrew and the inner door opened.
”Can I help you Sir?” a Gratackan sculpted employee asked me.I stared at the physical perfection for a second trying to figure out what sex it was, the name badge wasn’t any help ‘Samart’.
”I was in the other day, returning a spine. I said I wanted to be paid in cash”
”Oh yes, that’s right, I have the box right here” It bent down behind the counter and brought up a small package. My watch immediately began screaming at me, I stepped back as it warded.
”What the Bob! That’s a bomb!”
The assistant blanched and stuttered ‘Wha..what?” as it almost dropped it.
”Not to worry” I recovered my cool a little as it was obvious it wasn’t going to go off straight away, and pulled out a pack of film, wrapping it around the box.
“That should contain it, unless it’s big and fusion. And if it is you can say goodbye to the neighbourhood.”I placed it on the counter and said “My money please”
The employee, still visibly shaken, muttered “I’ll have to phone Mr Welks”
”Phone him then”
The assistant spent some time muttering behind a screen then came back out and said “Mr Welks will come round personally”.
We waited, I looked around the shop, leafing through brochures and looking at the merchandise, while it dusted – first the top of the counter, nice and slow in big circles, then down the sides and finally under it.
I brought up my hand, smashing with the base of my palm into its nose, killing it instantly.
Nobody dusts.
As the body slumped to the floor I went round the counter and reached under it. A small but efficient blaster. No doubt Welks would be able to come in armed, this would even it up a bit. Feeling a bit more prepared I waited.
It wasn’t long.
The outer door opened, registering on a screen behind the counter. A few seconds later the inner door opened and two men, big and mean looking, carrying something that looked bigger and meaner, entered. Behind them came Welks.
They put the vaguely familiar object on the floor and pointed its muzzle at the counter.
I dropped the blaster as I realised what it was.
A nuclear cannon.
Oh shit!
Welks spoke “Mr Tyrson, you have a minute to show yourself, then I fire”
That was nice of him, notice the then part. He began calling out every 10 seconds evidently hoping I would show myself and so spare some damage to his shop.
It seemed like a good idea to get a shot in and I was preparing to leap over the counter when I noticed the bomb besides me still in its cocoon. Quickly I unwrapped it and began wrapping the protective sheet about myself.
Welks called out “10 seconds”
”9” I was almost covered.
”8” There wasn’t enough for my toes.
”7,6,5,4,3,2” I breathed in and covered my mouth.
”1”
The counter disappeared, taking the back door with it (as well as my toes). Well there was an escape route. I sat there in light so intense it hurt even with the dampers full on, wondering how long it would last and if my body would suffocate first.

Then the heat from the blast detonated the bomb and the roof caved in.

Terminal Velocity - Day 3

The next time I opened my eyes there were a couple of dwarf stars in the sky. The planet's own wasn’t there so technically it was night. My watch beeped at me, 10 am, to make matters even more confusing. Whatever, it was time to pick up my refund and leave this planet before Harry started getting anxious. I packed my gear and told the hotel to come and get it then sat back and waited.
The door said “Someone to see you Mr Tyrson”
”Come in”
The door exploded in a blaze of light, the concussion flinging me over the back of the sofa, falling, diving into the bedroom, rolling under the bed. There were footsteps and voices.
One said “Where is he then?”
Of course I could have shouted out “I’m in here” but I had other things on my mind. After all what were they being paid for?
They began tearing the place apart, one came into the bedroom, moved about a bit and left. Evidently they weren’t being paid a lot.
I coughed politely. The footsteps stopped and turned.
”Hey Creta”
”Yeah?”
”He’s in here, under the bed”The other one came into the room.
”I thought they said he was a pro”
”Easiest 10 thou…”
His words cut of as he and his friend exploded into thousands of pieces. I eased myself out from under the bed and looked around.”You bloody idiots” I said to a crisped finger “Couldn’t you have just opened the door?”
I lent down, reaching through the charred hole in the bed and pulled out the force cannon I kept there for emergencies. Good job I wasn’t staying another night. Come to think of it I should have just shot them in the feet, and then I could have asked them some questions. But that’s life, you learn from your mistakes, next time, next time.
”You called Sir?”I span, a fresh cartridge clicking into the cannons breach, then spotted the trolley and relaxed. I piled my cases onto it.
”Take these to my ship and charge my bill to this account” I dictated Harry’s number.
”And that Sir?”
I glanced at the cannon. Thought for a while and then tossed it on top.
A little too noisy.